Saturday, 30 March 2013

Pointing People to Jesus

Just finished writing Jordan's sponsored child a birthday card.  I let Emmanuel know that while Jordan is in heaven, Kim and I will continue his sponsorship.   What I had never noticed before was Emmanuel's birthdate - July 20th - Jordan's birthdate.  I guess Jordan had been the one to write him a birthday card until now.  In fact I remember Jordan writing last year about being sick and asking Emmanuel to agree with him for healing. What a great name – God with us!

A friend this week took the time to tell me of her experiences with Jordan.  I think that perhaps that has been one of the best ways I have been loved through all of this.  I don't want him forgotten but I don't have any recent experiences from which to draw...only those where others bring old ones to mind or times with Jordan I didn't know about.  Memories are powerful, living things for me and I find myself refreshed after looking at pictures, or sitting in Jordan's room or watching family videos.  Videos from last year are still too tender right now - too fresh.  I haven't reread any of my blog posts, because the pain rushes back, and the hope.  I do so miss anticipating that Jordan would see all that he hoped for here on earth.  I love that he saw people he prayed for often be healed...he celebrated every time over even "little" victories.

I put up Jordan’s picture on my side desk at work and at times when I have felt overwhelmed or frustrated with the task, I find myself glancing at his smiling face.  He would often ask me, in those times, “What would Jesus say?”  So I ask.  I so want to point people to Jesus….He is my Wonderful Counsellor. 

Sunday, 24 March 2013


For many years, our family would head to a mountain cabin for just a few days around New Years without the distractions and technology of home.  It was there I found a book of Ruth Bell Graham's poems, Footprints of a Pilgrim. I copied a few of my favourites into a journal.

Blinking back the tears
I'm thinking
may just clear
the heart for sight:
as wind-shield wipers
help us
on a stormy,
windswept night.

Jesus wept.
But why?
Knowing what lay ahead
moments away...
Was it because
He had not come,
when He heard
Lazarus might die?
Lazarus was dead!
Was it in sympathy
with their raw grief?
Faith's impotent lack?
Or could it be
because He
had to bring him back.

The first, I thought of often throughout the year, the second only a week ago. Not a weepy week. I placed a big photo of Jordan on my desk at work and I often find myself smiling at his image...knowing how often he would encourage me whenever I felt stuck or overwhelmed by something God was asking of me.  His probing question usually sounded like, "What does Jesus have to say about it?"

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Let the Packing Commence

I have been putting off writing this blog...
How much more mixed can my feelings be?

Two years ago we put our house on the market for a few months to see what would come of it.  Both older boys were away to school and the three of us wanted to simplify.  After six months on the market, we let it go to try again the next year....last year.  The year it was good to come to home – we needed everything familiar.

This week, the SOLD sign went up.  A young family with a little girl is buying and moving in on May 11.
The decision is both a relief and a wonder.  Every room is packed with memories. When Matt and Joel were home last week, we had them sort through the infamous toy closet, which I've been requesting for the past four years :-).
And we started making videos in every room before it is stacked with boxes.
One morning as I was preparing for work in our ensuite, I remembered Jordan, at age 4, sitting on the counter alternately watching me applying makeup and himself in the mirror.  At one point, he began to intently study my face.  I smiled, thinking how sweet it was to have this little admirer.  With profound curiosity he asked, "Mommy, why do you have so many cracks around your eyes?"  Definitely NOT what I had anticipated.
Our new home will not have those memories...

Friday night I just couldn't stop weeping until Kim encouraged me to just bawl - loud and long....and somehow it worked.  But my eyes were so puffy this weekend, I didn't recognize myself.
So much loss.  And I don't want to stuff the pain...neither do I want it as a constant shadow.
The weather last night mirrored my emotions....bits of rain, sunshine peeking through, more rain, clearing, then lightening with thunder and a downpour that started and stopped suddenly, finishing with hail.

Kim is so wonderful.  So much between us doesn’t even need to be said.  We can just look at each other and know.  A teen drove his bike across the street in front of our car this week and waved to thank us for stopping, reminding us of how Jordan would wave every time to thank others.  It started when he was little and I would hold his hand and the shopping bag with the other and ask him to wave for me, and he just kept on doing it...I loved his consistency. I loved his kindness. And I love that Kim knows I'm not exaggerating when I describe how wonderful our son was to us.  What a gift!

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Every Knee Shall Bow

On my way to work one morning, I found myself listening to the song that included the words "Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess" and I could see it in my mind's eye.  I could see me kneeling and Jordan beside me, only he had this HUGE smile on his face and turned to wink at me.  Kind of an "Isn't Jesus awesome?" I remember leading Jordan to talk and listen to Jesus many times - after a nightmare or a rough day at school. But I have a feeling that when I arrive in heaven, Jordan will be the one to take me by the hand and take me to Jesus.  What a day that will be!

Yesterday I found myself feeling bereft of my in-house counsel.  When I would create PowerPoint presentations for my job or find illustrations or require a good example of pop culture whether it is music or movies or comic book characters to present to junior high or high school students, I could ask Jordan. I know he is cheering me on from heaven but I could really use his wisdom and creativity here on earth right now.  This is not Plan A.  I miss him so.

Kim is home from Dallas and the guys are home for reading week.  Wow!  I love how our sons have become our friends.  The first night when I headed to bed I found Matthew in Jordan's room...just staring like he was memorizing it.  My heart hurt watching him.  And then I checked in on Joel and he was looking through a drawing pad in his room that Jordan had borrowed from him for a time.  Joel was thrilled to show me the sketches he had discovered.  When he came to the last page, he wondered aloud what Jordan had been drawing.  I recognized it as his” heaven home” blueprint.  Every few years, Jordan and I would put our thoughts to paper on what kind of place Jesus was preparing for us.  Despite the changes he made over the years, Jordan's drawing always included a water slide ending in a tube and river run that encircled his home.  All of this this was news to Joel and it was pretty emotional for both of us.

The tears just come when they come and I am so grateful for my men who allow the tears to flow without attempting to “console the grief away”.  For me, it seems the tears are cleansing…. washing my heart.  Every so often it hits me that Jordan isn't here.  It’s almost unbelievable.  He belongs here…with us.

As much as this journey has been an individual and family one for us, as I meet with people and reconnect with old friends, I am discovering a bit of how Jordan's life has impacted others. And now, it's as if we are all at a crossroads of deciding if what happened to us all was a blip on the screen of life, an intense moment, or if we go back to business as usual. And yet there really is no going back for us, just moving forward...but to what? I guess that's part of the discovery for this next season.
Snow-shoeing on Darlene's Birthday