On my way to work one
morning, I found myself listening to the song that included the words
"Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess" and I could see it in my
mind's eye. I could see me kneeling and Jordan beside me, only he had this
HUGE smile on his face and turned to wink at me. Kind of an "Isn't
Jesus awesome?" I remember leading Jordan to talk and listen to Jesus many
times - after a nightmare or a rough day at school. But I have a feeling that
when I arrive in heaven, Jordan will be the one to take me by the hand and take
me to Jesus. What a day that will be!
Yesterday I found myself feeling bereft of
my in-house counsel. When I would create PowerPoint presentations for my
job or find illustrations or require a good example of pop culture whether it is
music or movies or comic book characters to present to junior high or high
school students, I could ask Jordan. I know he is cheering me on from heaven but I
could really use his wisdom and creativity here on earth right now. This
is not Plan A. I miss him so.
Kim is home from Dallas and the guys are home for reading week. Wow! I love how our sons have become our friends. The first night when I headed to bed I found Matthew in Jordan's room...just staring like he was memorizing it. My heart hurt watching him. And then I checked in on Joel and he was looking through a drawing pad in his room that Jordan had borrowed from him for a time. Joel was thrilled to show me the sketches he had discovered. When he came to the last page, he wondered aloud what Jordan had been drawing. I recognized it as his” heaven home” blueprint. Every few years, Jordan and I would put our thoughts to paper on what kind of place Jesus was preparing for us. Despite the changes he made over the years, Jordan's drawing always included a water slide ending in a tube and river run that encircled his home. All of this this was news to Joel and it was pretty emotional for both of us.
Kim is home from Dallas and the guys are home for reading week. Wow! I love how our sons have become our friends. The first night when I headed to bed I found Matthew in Jordan's room...just staring like he was memorizing it. My heart hurt watching him. And then I checked in on Joel and he was looking through a drawing pad in his room that Jordan had borrowed from him for a time. Joel was thrilled to show me the sketches he had discovered. When he came to the last page, he wondered aloud what Jordan had been drawing. I recognized it as his” heaven home” blueprint. Every few years, Jordan and I would put our thoughts to paper on what kind of place Jesus was preparing for us. Despite the changes he made over the years, Jordan's drawing always included a water slide ending in a tube and river run that encircled his home. All of this this was news to Joel and it was pretty emotional for both of us.
The tears just come when they come and I am
so grateful for my men who allow the tears to flow without attempting to “console
the grief away”. For me, it seems the
tears are cleansing…. washing my heart.
Every so often it hits me that Jordan isn't here. It’s almost unbelievable. He belongs here…with us.
As much as this journey has been an individual and family one for us, as I meet with people and reconnect with old friends, I am discovering a bit of how Jordan's life has impacted others. And now, it's as if we are all at a crossroads of deciding if what happened to us all was a blip on the screen of life, an intense moment, or if we go back to business as usual. And yet there really is no going back for us, just moving forward...but to what? I guess that's part of the discovery for this next season.
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| Snow-shoeing on Darlene's Birthday |
