Sunday, 19 May 2013

Living The Present

I've been asked repeatedly how I can do I can move forward.  I imagine that living 2012 prepared me for 2013.  With Jordan we had to live in the present.  Dwelling on the past wasn't helpful and worrying about the future was dangerous.  Caring well for Jordy required being present.  Very present.  It's not that I'm afraid of looking back.  The memories rise up whoever they choose - both wondrous and horrific.  And the future...well my experience tells me that just about anything can be around the corner.  Anticipating the worst wouldn't protect me from the potential pain anyway.  I am so grateful that as a family we chose to believe - the enemy could not steal the time we had...we lived the present.  And now I don't know how else to live without crumbling to bits.  I believe we are being held up by the prayers of our brothers and sisters around the world.

This last weeks have been fuller than full with work - getting some presentations in before the school year ends and moving to our new home. Wonderful friends showed up - old and new - all at just the right time to help with cleaning or sorting or moving.  Kim did a final walk through with a video camera. Our new place works and fits most of what we'd like to keep.  It is 15 minutes from our old one but it is a world away. The pictures are almost all up on the wall - my final sign of settling in.

A week ago, we were invited to preview a dance created to tell the story of Jordan's faith and the rippling faith it had.  It took our breath away. Creator's Arts' will perform it as part of their show on May 25th. Hopefully we can provide a link to it on the blog.

After a wild week together, Joel is back in Saskatchewan.  We played hard, worked hard and talked hard.  It was a great week. The playing included paintball, mountain zip lining, an Iron Man movie and a Mother's Day helicopter ride.  Our friends Brenda and Daryl had given Jordan the helicopter flight for his birthday last year, but he never felt quite up to going.  As we flew above the Okanagan Valley, it felt like a gift from Jordan - a bit of his perspective.

This last weekend, Matthew, Kim and I were in Eugene, Oregon...of course Tucker joined us.  I went for work, checking out a unique, interactive presentation geared towards grades 11 and 12.  We've been driving past stops we made on the way home from California last August...the store where we bought some school clothes for Jordan, fruit smoothies, and a detour to walk on the beach.  Kim knows me so well...Thursday after school was out, he drove me to the ocean where we climbed on the rocks, investigated the waterfall and basked in the sun and the surf.  I love the wildness of the Oregon coast.

There are moments when it feels like I'm walking without a limb.  No one can replace Jordan and his light. Then perspective comes - Jordan is doing great!  We're still here on mission...let's get 'er done so we can go home too.  I can choose what I focus on.  The temptation these last weeks has been to rehearse all the losses....and stay there.  But Jesus seems to be into trading all my loses - I'm not stuck with them - they don't define my life, now or in the future.