Feeling At Home

I'm struggling to feel at home in our new house.  I know that I can't expect it to happen so quickly, given that we lived 12 1/2 years on Spruceglen.  It's just that nothing will ever be the same.  And more and more, I am coming to feel that I may never feel truly at home on earth again.  Much of my heart is already in heaven.  My Dad and now my son.  Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Looking out from the beach to the ocean in Oregon, I told God once again, (feels like the millionth time), that I just don't understand.  And I heard His response.  "Do you need to understand to trust me?"  Gazing from that particular vantage point, I had two giant rocks flanking my vision.  I knew there was a whole lot more ocean beyond...but I only had my narrow perspective.  

Last week, while I presented in a grade 10 class (the age of Jordan when he went home), the awareness of their challenges just enveloped me.  They have so many choices to make - and it is daunting. The wrong ones can severely impact their future.  Can Jordan even make wrong decisions any more?  What's it like to totally have that pressure off.   I'm so proud of him...and I so miss him.  I can't even say that enough.  Bitter and sweet.  He is living the dream.

It has been such a blessing to have Matthew here.  He has one more semester left of schooling in Business Administration and then his life is wide open - uncharted territory.  About once a week we have a good cry together.  Everything has changed - shifted somehow for our family....it's as if we're looking at the world from a different angle.  Sometimes he'll just pick up my hand and kiss it...so loving and kind.  

He and Kim headed to Edmonton for a conference last weekend and ended up praying for loads of people - prophesying and healing the sick...actually seeing it...so great. And Joel - off in the prairies on his own is risking in faith.  Wow God.

Living The Present

I've been asked repeatedly how I can do it....how I can move forward.  I imagine that living 2012 prepared me for 2013.  With Jordan we had to live in the present.  Dwelling on the past wasn't helpful and worrying about the future was dangerous.  Caring well for Jordy required being present.  Very present.  It's not that I'm afraid of looking back.  The memories rise up whoever they choose - both wondrous and horrific.  And the future...well my experience tells me that just about anything can be around the corner.  Anticipating the worst wouldn't protect me from the potential pain anyway.  I am so grateful that as a family we chose to believe - the enemy could not steal the time we had...we lived the present.  And now I don't know how else to live without crumbling to bits.  I believe we are being held up by the prayers of our brothers and sisters around the world.

This last weeks have been fuller than full with work - getting some presentations in before the school year ends and moving to our new home. Wonderful friends showed up - old and new - all at just the right time to help with cleaning or sorting or moving.  Kim did a final walk through with a video camera. Our new place works and fits most of what we'd like to keep.  It is 15 minutes from our old one but it is a world away. The pictures are almost all up on the wall - my final sign of settling in.

A week ago, we were invited to preview a dance created to tell the story of Jordan's faith and the rippling faith it had.  It took our breath away. Creator's Arts' will perform it as part of their show on May 25th. Hopefully we can provide a link to it on the blog.

After a wild week together, Joel is back in Saskatchewan.  We played hard, worked hard and talked hard.  It was a great week. The playing included paintball, mountain zip lining, an Iron Man movie and a Mother's Day helicopter ride.  Our friends Brenda and Daryl had given Jordan the helicopter flight for his birthday last year, but he never felt quite up to going.  As we flew above the Okanagan Valley, it felt like a gift from Jordan - a bit of his perspective.

This last weekend, Matthew, Kim and I were in Eugene, Oregon...of course Tucker joined us.  I went for work, checking out a unique, interactive presentation geared towards grades 11 and 12.  We've been driving past stops we made on the way home from California last August...the store where we bought some school clothes for Jordan, fruit smoothies, and a detour to walk on the beach.  Kim knows me so well...Thursday after school was out, he drove me to the ocean where we climbed on the rocks, investigated the waterfall and basked in the sun and the surf.  I love the wildness of the Oregon coast.

There are moments when it feels like I'm walking without a limb.  No one can replace Jordan and his light. Then perspective comes - Jordan is doing great!  We're still here on mission...let's get 'er done so we can go home too.  I can choose what I focus on.  The temptation these last weeks has been to rehearse all the losses....and stay there.  But Jesus seems to be into trading all my loses - I'm not stuck with them - they don't define my life, now or in the future.

Time Away

Kim whisked me away to an over night get away.  He knows me - knew I needed a reprieve from the sorting of memories and cardboard boxes, writing, meetings, and self-imposed deadlines.

View From  Our Room

At breakfast this morning, overlooking the canvas of lake and mountains and sky, he asked me a great question.  "What emotion do you regularly experience that you wouldn't have expected?"  My response was a kind of peace/confidence that my son is doing so incredibly well, and always will be.  His response was - joy.  "You don't really know how bright the white of joy is until you have darkness right next to it. It's Brilliant."

And then the tears started...missing Jordan's influence in our lives.  What a gift...what a privilege!

Wood And Stucco

Kim here. It’s my turn to give an update. Darlene has been focused in her role as a sexual integrity and relational health workshop presenter for Jr. High and Hi School students in the area. She loves it but it is a lot of work. Plus, during our past moves, she carried the lion’s share of the moving, so it’s my turn to carry the heavy end on this one.  All this packing and organizing are creating a longing for our heavenly home. We live in shacks made of wood and stucco. I am thankful for them, but no matter how beautiful,  I wasn't made for wood and stucco. I was made for streets paved with gold and accommodations that took thousands of years to perfect. Below is a picture Jordan drew that outlines what he imagined his heavenly home to look like. I think it’s even better than what he thought or imagined.

In the last blog, Darlene said that simplifying was good, very good.  I agree. The more you have, the more things break. I am sooo looking forward to simple and no mortgage.

I am also looking forward to the summer, not because of the warmth and the sun, but because we are setting aside July and August for something very special. In the parable of the sower, Jesus talks about what keeps the seed of the word from being fruitful. One is the seed falling among the thorns – which describes the believer as (Luke 8:14), “choked with worries and riches and pleasures of this life, and brings no fruit to maturity.”  I feel that some days. I don’t walk around in a state of anxiety, but: its bills, and clients, home repairs, and “did I remember to renew the insurance on the car?”, and since we hadn't worked in 14 months – do we trust God to carry us through? and the grass is getting long, but the mower is out of gas, and … you know what I am talking about. All the stuff of life can distract us from being the soil that allows the seed from bearing a 100 fold harvest. Back to July and August – we are setting them aside to focus on Jesus. It’s not meant as a vacation, but a time to set aside distractions and pray, read, walk, sing, fix our eyes on Jesus, hear what He has to say, and do what He says. We are going to Victoria for two months to sit at Jesus’ feet and do what He says. Why Victoria? We've got some friends there that want to do the same thing. We know that we will be sent to the streets to heal the sick and preach the gospel to the poor. If you want to read more about my thoughts on this, below is a link for an article I wrote for the new JGLM Magazine:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12w4zYHKlJuqD25UFhsynxuqse_5f8TnOX4M15qYmJG8/edit?usp=sharing

As we prepare for the summer, we are excited to have the men coming home from Saskatchewan on May 4^th to help us move. It is so good to be together.

If you want our new address, just email us at welldonejordanunrau@gmail.com and we will get that to you.

New Nest

We've found a house to rent.  It has most of the things on my list of hopefuls.  The biggest adjustment, aside from not containing any memories, will probably be the size. It is about a third the size of our home now has a fifth of the storage space.  It does require simplifying...which is good. Really good.
It's the lack of memories that I have to trust Father for.  It is near a golf course and trails where Jordan and Tucker raced while Kim and I strolled the winter before our lives changed so dramatically.  I am grateful for that...I can see Jordan's legs carrying him effortlessly over the hills and I can hear his voice goad Tucker into following him as he bobbed and weaved his way along.   I so miss his laughter and squishes and questions and opinions and observations and voice and his presence.

Being thrown into empty nesting was not the plan.  I was jealously guarding our years with Jordan at home...by the time he would leave to travel or attend school, I would be ready...or so I told myself.

It is crazy what comforts me:  new pictures of Jordan people send or I find in the packing, Skyping my sons, reconnecting with long ago friends, clean sheets and sharp pencils, warm mugs beside the fire, hearing stories of people being healed, finding Kim has unloaded the dishwasher or filled a vase with tulips or white roses, BBC dramas from Dickens, and waterfalls beside a mountain road.
Some mornings I apply makeup only to find it was a really bad idea - on the way to work my face is streaked with tears.  Other days I find only joy and laughter in Jordan's life - then and now.  Such is my life...until this side of eternity is over.

Pointing People to Jesus

Just finished writing Jordan's sponsored child a birthday card.  I let Emmanuel know that while Jordan is in heaven, Kim and I will continue his sponsorship.   What I had never noticed before was Emmanuel's birthdate - July 20th - Jordan's birthdate.  I guess Jordan had been the one to write him a birthday card until now.  In fact I remember Jordan writing last year about being sick and asking Emmanuel to agree with him for healing. What a great name – God with us!

A friend this week took the time to tell me of her experiences with Jordan.  I think that perhaps that has been one of the best ways I have been loved through all of this.  I don't want him forgotten but I don't have any recent experiences from which to draw...only those where others bring old ones to mind or times with Jordan I didn't know about.  Memories are powerful, living things for me and I find myself refreshed after looking at pictures, or sitting in Jordan's room or watching family videos.  Videos from last year are still too tender right now - too fresh.  I haven't reread any of my blog posts, because the pain rushes back, and the hope.  I do so miss anticipating that Jordan would see all that he hoped for here on earth.  I love that he saw people he prayed for often be healed...he celebrated every time over even "little" victories.

I put up Jordan’s picture on my side desk at work and at times when I have felt overwhelmed or frustrated with the task, I find myself glancing at his smiling face.  He would often ask me, in those times, “What would Jesus say?”  So I ask.  I so want to point people to Jesus….He is my Wonderful Counsellor. 

Consolation

For many years, our family would head to a mountain cabin for just a few days around New Years without the distractions and technology of home.  It was there I found a book of Ruth Bell Graham's poems, Footprints of a Pilgrim. I copied a few of my favourites into a journal.

Blinking back the tears
I'm thinking
may just clear
the heart for sight:
as wind-shield wipers
help us
on a stormy,
windswept night.

Jesus wept.
But why?
Knowing what lay ahead
moments away...
Was it because
He had not come,
when He heard
Lazarus might die?
Lazarus was dead!
Was it in sympathy
with their raw grief?
Faith's impotent lack?
Or could it be
because He
had to bring him back.

The first, I thought of often throughout the year, the second only a week ago. Not a weepy week. I placed a big photo of Jordan on my desk at work and I often find myself smiling at his image...knowing how often he would encourage me whenever I felt stuck or overwhelmed by something God was asking of me.  His probing question usually sounded like, "What does Jesus have to say about it?"