Let the Packing Commence

I have been putting off writing this blog...
How much more mixed can my feelings be?

Two years ago we put our house on the market for a few months to see what would come of it.  Both older boys were away to school and the three of us wanted to simplify.  After six months on the market, we let it go to try again the next year....last year.  The year it was good to come to home – we needed everything familiar.

This week, the SOLD sign went up.  A young family with a little girl is buying and moving in on May 11.
The decision is both a relief and a wonder.  Every room is packed with memories. When Matt and Joel were home last week, we had them sort through the infamous toy closet, which I've been requesting for the past four years :-).
And we started making videos in every room before it is stacked with boxes.
One morning as I was preparing for work in our ensuite, I remembered Jordan, at age 4, sitting on the counter alternately watching me applying makeup and himself in the mirror.  At one point, he began to intently study my face.  I smiled, thinking how sweet it was to have this little admirer.  With profound curiosity he asked, "Mommy, why do you have so many cracks around your eyes?"  Definitely NOT what I had anticipated.
Our new home will not have those memories...

Friday night I just couldn't stop weeping until Kim encouraged me to just bawl - loud and long....and somehow it worked.  But my eyes were so puffy this weekend, I didn't recognize myself.
So much loss.  And I don't want to stuff the pain...neither do I want it as a constant shadow.
The weather last night mirrored my emotions....bits of rain, sunshine peeking through, more rain, clearing, then lightening with thunder and a downpour that started and stopped suddenly, finishing with hail.

Kim is so wonderful.  So much between us doesn’t even need to be said.  We can just look at each other and know.  A teen drove his bike across the street in front of our car this week and waved to thank us for stopping, reminding us of how Jordan would wave every time to thank others.  It started when he was little and I would hold his hand and the shopping bag with the other and ask him to wave for me, and he just kept on doing it...I loved his consistency. I loved his kindness. And I love that Kim knows I'm not exaggerating when I describe how wonderful our son was to us.  What a gift!

Every Knee Shall Bow

On my way to work one morning, I found myself listening to the song that included the words "Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess" and I could see it in my mind's eye.  I could see me kneeling and Jordan beside me, only he had this HUGE smile on his face and turned to wink at me.  Kind of an "Isn't Jesus awesome?" I remember leading Jordan to talk and listen to Jesus many times - after a nightmare or a rough day at school. But I have a feeling that when I arrive in heaven, Jordan will be the one to take me by the hand and take me to Jesus.  What a day that will be!

Yesterday I found myself feeling bereft of my in-house counsel.  When I would create PowerPoint presentations for my job or find illustrations or require a good example of pop culture whether it is music or movies or comic book characters to present to junior high or high school students, I could ask Jordan. I know he is cheering me on from heaven but I could really use his wisdom and creativity here on earth right now.  This is not Plan A.  I miss him so.

Kim is home from Dallas and the guys are home for reading week.  Wow!  I love how our sons have become our friends.  The first night when I headed to bed I found Matthew in Jordan's room...just staring like he was memorizing it.  My heart hurt watching him.  And then I checked in on Joel and he was looking through a drawing pad in his room that Jordan had borrowed from him for a time.  Joel was thrilled to show me the sketches he had discovered.  When he came to the last page, he wondered aloud what Jordan had been drawing.  I recognized it as his” heaven home” blueprint.  Every few years, Jordan and I would put our thoughts to paper on what kind of place Jesus was preparing for us.  Despite the changes he made over the years, Jordan's drawing always included a water slide ending in a tube and river run that encircled his home.  All of this this was news to Joel and it was pretty emotional for both of us.

The tears just come when they come and I am so grateful for my men who allow the tears to flow without attempting to “console the grief away”.  For me, it seems the tears are cleansing…. washing my heart.  Every so often it hits me that Jordan isn't here.  It’s almost unbelievable.  He belongs here…with us.

As much as this journey has been an individual and family one for us, as I meet with people and reconnect with old friends, I am discovering a bit of how Jordan's life has impacted others. And now, it's as if we are all at a crossroads of deciding if what happened to us all was a blip on the screen of life, an intense moment, or if we go back to business as usual. And yet there really is no going back for us, just moving forward...but to what? I guess that's part of the discovery for this next season.

Snow-shoeing on Darlene's Birthday

Things

As I wandered around Jordan's room to take in the things he enjoyed so much, I found myself smiling.  He wants none of these books, games, sports equipment in heaven. He left them behind in the same way he grew up and no longer wanted his soother.  Jordan loved his soothers so much as a toddler that he was known to stuff two at a time into his mouth. :-)
How many things down here that I have fretted about will be like soothers left behind.

Kim is in Dallas teaching at John G. Lake Ministries school while I am heading back to work.  The Pregnancy Centre has been soo supportive; the the hours and schedule are flexible. The staff and volunteers understand grief and so it is a very safe place for me. I walked into my office this morning only to find Happy Birthday banners everywhere (my birthday isn't until Tuesday but I've always thought birthdays should last at least a week) and a beautiful glider rocking chair that I had admired at our staff/board party earlier this month.  Made me tear up right off :-)  When I told Kim on the phone this morning, it only substantiated his belief that when I tell someone how much I love what they're wearing or something in their home, that down deep, I really just want it. :-)  Great!  So now when I give a compliment, I have to give a qualifier.  Really, generosity is so incredible!

For the next few days, I am sleeping over at my mom's place - it keeps my house clean for showings (my mom says I can mess up hers :-) and keeps me from missing Kim too much.  We have been together pretty much non-stop this last year so being apart is strange.  I am excited for him in that after his morning teachings, he hopes to join students and staff as they take kingdom to the streets, malls and homes.  We so want to get beyond "hit and miss" healings.  We desire to see consistent displays of the kingdom to point those that don't know - haven't heard, to Jesus.
In a Christmas letter we received this year, a friend wrote of involvement in a Nativity production in the States that drew many.  They were shocked to discover that over half of the attendees had never heard the "Christmas Story".  Here in North America so many people don't know. And people are the only "things" we can take to heaven.

Many Hands

The closest image I have found in my mind to describe the last three months is crowd surfing.  When the boys were little, Kim hosted a series of youth conferences and one time the crowds were so thick and so excited that they encouraged him to jump off the stage into their waiting raised hands to be pushed along as he lay on his back.  I couldn't believe my eyes when my husband, all 6'6" and over 225lbs actually entrusted himself to their combined strength.  While I couldn't see their faces, their hands were there, pushing him along, until they gently brought him down only to walk back up on stage and continue MCing the meeting.

My experience is one of hands beneath me, taking turns, tenderly considering my needs, sharing memories, bringing joy, and patiently listening for any of my need to cry, question or remember.

Last night I told Kim that I can't describe myself as a mother whose son is dead ... because he isn't.  He died but he lives - more alive than he ever has been - so my grief is laced with joy and confident anticipation of being with him again. What a jumble!
Mexico has been medicine for our souls.  I have hardly cracked open my books.  Just time to sit and wonder and feel.  Lots of laughter with Dean and Janine as we enjoy each other and go on mini-adventures.

We'll be home Friday and Kim will turn around a fly out Saturday to teach a week long OT survey course (with Chris Barber's help - thank you!) at the JGLM ministry school in Dallas, TX.  I am soo glad for this opportunity for him but not crazy about doing without his presence for a week.  We have been pretty much joined at the hip this last year.  Our desire is that while he gives out, that he will be able to partner with those there to learn and experience first-hand more about healing those who are sick, loving the lost and advancing the Kingdom.

Back to School

This weekend has been well worth the drive.  It has been incredible to meet the students and staff at Briercrest College who have walked this journey with us. This school is our Alma Mater where we met each other. I am so grateful for their support to Matt and Joel.  For some, the walk in believing for a miraculous healing was new, for others agreeing for resurrection was new, as it was for us.  How did I miss it all those years?  How did I get away with reading the Bible like a history/devotional book?  I now can recall believers through the years who suggested that Jesus really meant it when He told us we were to do what He did and even greater things.  Looking back, I remember feeling uncomfortable with them, and generally defensive, as if somehow they were implying I was missing something....something really important.  Whatever was blinding me is gone and I so don't ever want to come across as knowing it all or having everything figured out.  Quite the opposite, I'm discovering how much I have yet to learn and experience.  Pretty exciting really.

Friday was Matthew's birthday so we headed into Regina for Indian Curry, to shop for jeans and a jacket, to catch a movie and pick up a mystery package at the airport.  Both Matt and Joel were stunned to discover the package was their Grammy who flew in from Kelowna to surprise them.  She stayed next door to us in the campus inn.

Saturday  morning, while my mom and I were eating breakfast in the room provided, I noticed a basketball player from a visiting team we had watched in the finals the night before. He was hobbling and had only one shoe on.  As he was leaving, I asked him if he was injured from the game.  When he told me that he had rolled his ankle, I asked him if I could pray for him and he replied "Sure!" and promptly sat down. Why am I still surprised when people agree to be prayed for?  So I followed Jordan's model and commanded the leg/foot to be healed and prayed that Benny would know the love of Jesus.  My mom was so great.  Rather than be embarrassed of me, she was encouraging. A few hours later, we watched Benny play full out, no sign of any injury and afterwards, Fred, a great player who is a natural evangelist on our college's team, went over to share Jesus with him.  What a setup!  Yeah God! Makes me want to follow Fred around too and see how he so quickly and easily brings Jesus into every conversation with strangers.

Matthew and Joel setup times for us to meet with and enjoy their friends, finding out about them and letting them ask all the questions they wanted about our journey. From Boston Pizza, to coffee shops, to hockey and basketball games, cafeteria meals and movies, we were kept pretty busy.  An opportunity was given for us on Monday afternoon to share with a senior theology class for an hour and a half. It was amazing and the first time we had tag-teamed with such a large group since Jordan's  celebration service.  Matt and Joel were so supportive and interjected when they had something to add.  It is such a gift to walk through this as a family.

I loved the way Kim described our sons to an old classmate who inquired about them. He wasn't aware of all that had transpired this last year.. Kim told him that we have three sons (two this friend knew). But the youngest, Kim explained, has surpassed us all. “Jordan is the most holy of all of us. He walks in incredible peace, knows Jesus more than all of us put together, and is amazingly creative.” In response to a curious expression,  Kim told him that Jordan went to be with Jesus in November.  Even today I found myself wondering what Jordan is up to.

And now we are flying out to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with our old (not that they’re old) friends Dean and Janine.  They and friends from their church are treating us to a week.  So wonderful!  How grateful we are!

To the Prairies

So great to recently hear from John, who was prayed for at Jordan's celebration service. It wasn't until two days after that he realized he had truly been completely healed from a constant stabbing pain, untouched by any medication, that he had suffered from for over three years.  And two months later he is still pain-free!  Yea God!

My mom was encouraging me the other day when I shared I wasn't seeing a lot of instant miracles.  She reminded me how it took a few hours for her carpal tunnel pain in her wrist and two days for the pain in her knee to be completely healed several years ago.  As her healing progressed, instead of focusing on the pain that was still there, she was encouraged to praise God for the degree of pain that had already left.  Such wise counsel - we empower what we focus on.

Tomorrow we are off to visit Matt and Joel at Briercrest in Saskatchewan.  It is Matt's 23rd birthday on February 8 and he asked us to come to meet and watch his hockey team in 3 games on the weekend. It will take us two days to drive there and we'll take Tucker with us.

Kim and I have finally made our way through all the kind cards sent to us while we were away.  Some friends from so long ago, some very new and some whose memories of time spent with Jordan required several tissues since they made me both cry and laugh and cry again.  I think that is one of the kindest things anyone can do for someone who is missing a loved one:  share memories of or the impact of their loved one.  The most difficult thing for me when thinking of moving is leaving Jordan's room. I so don't want to erase the evidence that he was here.  But neither do I want to enshrine his memory.

I've popped by the centre where I started a new position just two months before Jordan's diagnosis.  What a healing place! Okanagan Valley Pregnancy Care Centre is filled with women of passion and grace.  While I am not really back until the end of the month, it was so good to just connect again and do a bit of research in the office they kept for me.

As I'll be returning to preparing, presenting and training others to point young men and women towards healthy relationships in general and healthy sexuality in specific, I already know Jordan's blessing.  Up on my inbox popped Jordan's email from Dec 2011.  He had worked on a logo for the True To You program and added a blessing at the bottom for me with at least 25 emoticon faces.  In November I remember him saying to me, " Mom, if girls only understood how beautiful they are, they wouldn't let guys who wanted to just use them, take advantage of them" and "Mom, by the time I'm ready to marry, will there be any girls left whose hearts had not been hardened?". We talked a lot about how hard our culture/media was on the heart of young women and Jordan witnessed it almost daily firsthand in Middle School.   I miss his help.  We worked on sideshows together and he would tell me if the photos or images I'd choose were too geeky or two confusing.  He'd also inform me on my vocabulary and colloquialisms...so that I wouldn't inadvertently distract the audience from the message.

When I arrived back at work, Theresa, the centre's director, showed me the Welcome Home Heathrow YouTube video.  We were both in tears toward the end of it and we imagined Jordan's welcome and the welcome awaiting us when it's our turn to go home.

Faith Muscles

I've been amazed by the number of people who have approached me, some whom I have never met, to tell me now Jordan's faith has impacted them.  One friend put It this way, “In January, I had little faith for healing and now, a year later, my faith is much bigger. Even though our prayers didn't bring about our hoped for result, I exercised my faith muscles and now they are stronger than before."
I'm so grateful for that.

Looks like on Monday we will list our home.  It makes sense.  For a few months in 2011 we tried to sell it in order to downsize.  And now we really are rattling around in a house meant for many more than the two of us.  It's probably in the best shape it's ever been in, especially after the beautiful job of the restoration crew on our guest bath and basement foyer.  I've been told that's always the way it is....it looks best before you leave :-).  So many memories throughout the house - and mostly wonderful ones .  I've told Kim that I would like to take a video diary in every room and talk about our favourite memories that took place there.

I know we took a lot of pictures/videos but now 10 times that amount would feel just right.  Yesterday Kim came upon video and pics from our time in early 2011 in Florida with Jordan.  He LOVED the ocean and the pool.  And I loved seeing his strong body exulting in its freedom. Thought we'd share it with you.  

What can Jordan do now in heaven with his brand new body that can't get hurt or tired and doesn't have limitations?  I miss that boy!