Friday, 28 December 2012


I've been awakening the last two mornings with a vague sense of disquiet.  Until the rest of the house rouses, I am alone with my thoughts. This last year we have been on mission.  If I had been required to fill in a questionnaire on my occupation, it would have been caregiver.  That role suddenly evaporated a month ago.  And although I am still a mother, my sons are now grown; Kim and I will return to an empty nest.  I am looking at it all from afar off since we hardly have to rush home.  I often wonder if the anticipation of a bad thing isn't really much worse than the actual situation or event.  The same self control required to "not worry about tomorrow" and "take every thought captive" that I used during 2012 will probably be required for 2013.  Anticipating and planning are one thing - fearing and stewing are another.

The one question my friend Suzanne told me that many parents whose young children die dread is "How many children do you have?"  Because it's not that question but the following ones, ages, location, occupation that gives one pause before answering.  Do I want to share one of my most impacting experiences with this new person...who may or may not become a friend?  If I say I have 2 sons, then it's just not true.  If I say I have 3 and the common questions follow...then I may tear up or they may feel awkward, as if intruding.

This last Sunday morning, when we had our family gathering, while Kim was reading the passage "Unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given..." my answer came.  Jesus reminded me that people will take their cues from me.  My face has never been very good at hiding my feelings.  If they can see my sorrow - in missing Jordan and also my joy - in knowing he is doing so fantastically with Jesus, I have an opportunity.  An opportunity to witness to the life of Christ in Jordan - the goodness and greatness of God.  Jordan is not just "in a better place" as we are prone to say...he is in The Best Place.  Frankly after Jordan's suffering, any place would have been better than in his body.

I still don't get why he wasn't healed here on earth.  But I am not stuck on looking for an answer to that question.  Not right now anyway.  I've probably said it before but I can't imagine any answer really satisfying.

So this entire week, I have not dreaded the possible question but anticipated it - I love the way Jesus sticks so close.