Friday, 31 August 2012

Wondering in the Wee Hours

Yesterday, at my request, we toured the private school even though Jordan's mind was made up to attend the public school.   I just wanted Jordan to know he had options.  Watching his body language when we registered at the first school, I saw a serious white face with determined eyes.  During this tour, he joked and smiled and was generally animated.  I don't think his mind is quite as firmly fixed as it was initially.   The idea of paying for school was a shock to him.  "Don't our taxes cover everything?" :-)

As I lay down to sleep last night, my thoughts went wild: How will my son enter a new school after living in a world of meds and procedures, tests and recovery for 8 months?  How will he navigate crazy emotions, thoughts and uncertainties?  And how will he physically get around?  These were my thoughts

The wheelchair we have been using, when distances are far, was Jordan's great-grandmother’s with no possibility for self-propulsion. So we are renting an electric wheelchair today for Jordan to practice on before he will be required to be on his own in halls and classrooms....until he has enough energy to use his crutches and then walk on his own steam.

I lay awake wondering where he will park his wheelchair in the class - far enough away so that it won't be a fire hazard but close enough that he can hop to it on one leg with all his books…or can we find a wheelchair that fits under a desk?  And what will it be like to use the elevator and sometimes be late for class just because it takes longer to get around?  Jordan hates being late.  He hates feeling like a burden, or being left behind, or getting special treatment, or quitting. These are things I can't solve for him.  We can do some advance problem-solving, but in the end, he is on his own - something he hasn't really been since January 2nd.

September has always brought mixed feelings for me.  Through the years I have loved having my sons home during the summer and as August draws to an end, I have kept my sadness to myself and chosen to be excited for their new adventures.  While I am thrilled that Jordan is in a place where he wants to go to school, I just can't help but walking through the "what ifs".

I remember hearing a message on the verse: "Cast your cares upon God because He cares for you".  The speaker described it like a game of hot potato.  When cares come, I can confidently toss them into My Heavenly Father's outstretched hands.  Every time they come around, even if it's the same one over and over, holding onto it will only hurt me.  He can and will handle each and every one.  Sheesh! I’m doing a lot of tossing.

Oh yes!  Jordan's mass is creeping down.  Another .6 reduction in the past 3 days….14 cm more to go!  Faster please so the wheelchair is unnecessary, so his jeans will fit and he will be a sign and wonder that points to the kindness, the power and the thoroughness of the good news of Jesus.  "Let Your kingdom come and Your will be done, here on earth, (in Kelowna, in Jordan's body) as it is in heaven". Amen.